Teaching Independence

My husband and I have had self-sufficiency on the mind, lately, relating to topics of independence and liberty; the more you can do for yourself, the more free you are. My husband and I grew up in many ways rather coddled by good, caring, late 20th century middle-class parents that cared a great deal about our self-esteem and safety. So warned was I of the perils of strangers, that until the age of sixteen when I was forced to speak to strangers while working my first job in retail, I was too nervous to order a pizza over the phone. Now, we parent as part of a generation of parents that does more to serve their children than ever before. My husband and I are trying to grow more self-aware about our own failures to encourage our children's independence.

Last week, I had in my care four girls - two of my own, and two of a friend's - ranging in age from five to ten. With these thoughts on my mind, when my seven-year-old came to me asking to purchase the latest direct-to-DVD Barbie film release, I had an epiphany.

"If you want it badly enough, get out your piggy bank. It'll probably take most of what you have saved." I said.

She obliged without complaint.

"Now count it out," I said. As she counted out the coins, I reminded her here and there about denominations and skip-counting. "It'll probably be about fifteen dollars, but you'll need extra for the tax."

I then prompted the ten-year-old friend to explain to the others what a tax is, and how much it would likely be.

"Can we get candy to go with the movie too?" my five-year-old asked.

"You have a piggy bank too. Get it out. You probably don't want to spend more than three or four dollars on candy."

After they bagged their money, they all piled into my minivan and I drove them to Wal-Mart.

"If you want the movie and the candy, YOU get it." I stated as we drove to the store. "You will find the items you want to purchase, you will look at the prices, you will take the items to the front and pay for them. You will then lead us back to the car. I will follow you, but I will not help you. If you need help, you can ask a worker."

To my amazement, this experiment thrilled the girls beyond belief. They were literally starved for independence. They even stated with giddy glee "We are SO independent! This is awesome!"

I was pleased, but also horrified at myself. What the hell had I been doing for my kids that they could have been doing for themselves? Am I that lazy and cautious as a parent?

There were only two times I had to step in during the whole experience.

The first was at the check-out counter. Under the duress and pressure of waiting in the check-out line, the girls (understandably I thought) choked when it came to counting out the pocket change and dollar bills necessary to pay the clerk. My seven-year-old did the best thing she could independently do - she gave the entire bag of money to the Wal-Mart cashier, hoping the employee would count out the correct money for her.

The cashier, a woman probably in her early twenties, looked dumbfounded.

"How much is in here?" she asked.

"More than enough." I said, standing behind all the girls and out of reach, "Just count it out."

The cashier looked at me as if I had just presented her with a calculus exam. I muscled my way past the girls, and I held up each coin and dollar bill, reminding them how to count out the correct amount of money. Of course, when we got back to the car, I was sure to point out to them that the cashier was confused by money-counting - and couldn't do her job. A great illustration as to why we expect them to learn to do it.

The second time I had to step in was when the girls got disoriented in the parking lot. Rather than allow a gaggle of girls to wander around in a parking lot aimlessly, I pointed them in the right direction until we found our way to the minivan.

"I never pay attention to where we park!" the ten-year-old exclaimed.

"Me neither!" said my seven-year old.

Of course they don't. Because thus far I have been leading my daughters around like sheep. My friend had been leading her daughters around like sheep.

I decided right then and there, that it's time to make some changes. This wasn't just a one-time experiment, but a philosophy that from that day forward will guide the way I see my own children, my scouts, and any other child I am in a position to influence.